Good Names for Non-Alcoholic Versions of Classic Cocktails

Once a year we have a Kaleberg luau. This is loosely based on an actual luau, so we get the banana leaves and some pork and fire up the grill to make kalua pork, we pickle and smoke our pipikailua beef, we stuff our ti leaves with taro leaves, sweet potato, pork and beef and steam them for lau lau. Then, we round up the taro chips and the clam dip. Then, we make cocktails.

Cocktails are probably even less authentic than clam dip, but you can't have a proper luau without them. We tend to buy five or six types of rum and track down such goodies as falernum, orgeat, maraschino liqueur and Peychaud bitters. Then, we turn on the blender and go for it.

We like our luaus to be kid friendly. So, we have ice your own cupcakes with boiled icing and sprinkles for dessert, and we see who makes, and eats, the most luridly decorated cupcake.

The adults get to play with the cocktails. Our big favorite this year was the Hell in the Pacific which uses maraschino liqueur, which does not taste at all like the liquid that maraschino cherries are soaked in. It tastes more like firewater. Our perrenials include the Test Pilot, with falernum and lime, and the Mai Tai, which can actually be rather good if you make it right.  We swear by our battered copy of Beachbum Berry's Grog Log.

Of course, we can't serve the cocktails to the kids. They sort of get the same effect from the sugar in the cupcakes as we adults do from the alcohol, but we have contemplated the names for suitable kid drinks based on their adult versions.

For example:

Adult Version

Kid Version

Hell in the Pacific

Heck in the Pacific

Suffering Bastard

Suffering Unfortunate

Colonel Beach's Plantation Punch

Corporal Beach's Plantation Punch

Gone the Beachcomber
Leaving Soon the Beachcomber

Moderate Gale

Misionary's Downfall

Missionary's Stumble

Oceanic Punch

Lake Punch

Pieces of Eight

Pieces of Seven

Sidewinder's Fang

Earthworm's Tooth

Test Pilot
Milk Run Pilot

Planet of the Apes
Planet of the Monkeys
Asteroid of the Apes

We haven't actually made up any of these drinks yet, but we have another luau coming, so we're working on it.

If you are interested in trying some of these cocktails, in their full glory (i.e. with ethanol), check out Beachbum Berry's Grog Log at Amazon.

If you want to do some great Hawaiian cooking, check out  Alan Wong's New Wave Luau. That man can really cook Hawaiian.
Beachbum Berry's Grog Log


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