Lysol Salad

This salad is an American classic and it isn't one of those awful Jello® stabilized anatomical samples that they pass off as salads on retro-50s television programs and old mid-Western cookbooks. A good salad should combine the flavor and texture of fine fresh vegetables with the wholesome healthiness of a powerful household disinfectant.

In 1955, Food Tiger was the first supermarket chain in America to offer you boxcar raspberries, designed to meet our country's strategic need for year round fresh produce capable of withstanding anything but a direct hit by Stalin's newly announced hydrogen bomb. Now we choose our produce for looks, scent and taste as well as its ability to withstand a direct hit by one of our delivery trucks, so your Lysol salad will be the star of your evening meal.

Some say you can make this dish with Pine Sol® or Lestoil®, but purists insist on Lysol® which has the aroma and cleaning power you want. So, head on down to Food Tiger and load up on cleans and greens and give your family a real treat.

INGREDIENTS

• 1 head iceberg lettuce (not Kaleberg lettuce, a distinctly different species)
• 1/2 cup grated carrot
• 1 onion or 2 green onions or 1 rotted regular onion with the shoots - sliced thinly
• 2 ounces canned black olives
• 6 little frobbies they stick in turkeys with the red thing that pops out to tell you when they are done (or you can use those little Goodie's hair ties with the two balls on an elastic band or just about anything like them)
• 1 used coffee filter with the grounds - use decaf for light sleepers
• 2 ounces of Lysol
• 2 ounces 3 in 1 oil
• for extra savor 1 car deodorant shaped like a pine tree, pine scent is best, finely chopped

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Clean the lettuce, clean and grate the carrot, clean the onion (or onions) - or don't bother to clean - the Lysol dressing will take care of that.
2. Tear up the lettuce and put it in the salad bowl. Add the grated carrots and slice onions and toss them around a bit.
3. Add the olives, miscellaneous frobbies, and the coffee filter, tearing it up so it mixes in better.
4. You can now leave the salad in the refrigerator until you are almost ready to serve.
5. In a small bowl mix the Lysol and 3 in 1 oil, beating vigorously with a fork or whisk. Add in the chopped car deodorant if you care to and beat well.
6. Toss the salad with the dressing and bring it to the table. Mmmm, Mmmm.

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